This last year has been the hardest year of my entire life. In all my 43 years on this earth, I never knew such pain and devastation actually existed in the form of literal soul taking. Actually leaving me to feel as if I am just an empty vessel. It was the first time I ever entertained the idea of suicide. I was actually fixated on it for a couple of weeks. Yet, here I am to recount the events that took place back to back, all at once, the different heartbreaking situations that all came together like the perfect storm to hit me at the same time. Almost the same day. Only one or two days between tragedy’s, but it was all running together at that point. Looking back I do not know how I ever found the strength to get up off my bedroom floor.

My partner and the father of my younger children lived with me with his 3 teenage children. We were a family. Content, if not happy. He had been spending a lot of time at the property he owned behind his mother's house. We were planning on making that our home. After some cleaning and work. Which is what I thought he was doing. When I would go by to check on him or offer help I could tell things had been done. He was coming home less and less staying overnight there until he wasn’t really coming home at all unless he needed to grab a tool or something. In which case he would come in, get it, say nothing, and leave. I had no idea what was coming. NONE. When I get the phone call from mutual friends of ours told me that he had been over the night before and that he had brought his girlfriend Jennifer with him.

WTF? Are you even talking about right now? I was shocked. I felt disrespected that he took her to our friends. I was told she drove his truck around. It hurt. It was devastating. It was his choice though. Not mine. I was home doing the things I did every day. Not out chasing some guy to entertain me. So of no fault of mine. Our family has split apart. He moved out, and his kids moved back to his mom’s.

The next thing I can remember is walking to my front door with him behind me. He said not one word to me as he turned his back and went to his truck. I walked into a very quiet, empty house. Made it all the way to my room before I screamed and fell to the ground. I had lost my purpose to live that day. The only reason I was on this earth, to begin with, was taken. My children. I think I laid there on the floor for almost two days. I remember thinking a lot…